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14 April 2012

Albion Market - Episode 101

First instalment of '80s Actual's very own soap - a continuation of the short-lived Albion Market. Dare you return to 1986 and the market place?

"Mam, can we go on the phone?" asked Lisa one warm, sunny morning in early September 1986.

Lynne slurped at a mug of horrible but incredibly rousing coffee and looked surprised. "We've always got on without. Extra expense. What do you want one for?"

Lisa nibbled at her toast. "Well, with me going into business like this, it's not practical not 'aving one. I mean, Amy's been giving me more contacts, her contacts are comin' up with contacts, there's replies to me newspaper ads, and charity shops I've got on the case. I can't keep in touch with everything from Peggy's cafe and phone boxes."

"Well, if you're payin' go ahead, " said Lynne. "I don't see the need meself." She grinned: "And I don't want your lovesick boyfriends phonin' 'ere in the dead of night, either! I need me beauty sleep!" She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror over the fireplace as she shrugged on her coat. "God, do I need it!" she shuddered.

Lisa couldn't resist a little barbed comment: "Well, if any did phone or call round, I know you could be very accommodating!"

Lynne blushed. "Look, I've said I'm sorry about that! Hell's bells, am I never gonna hear the last of it? If you can't leave it, perhaps you ought to be thinkin' of movin' out, not having phones installed!"

Lisa ignored that. "It's gonna be a lot quieter on the market without Alan Curtis, that's for sure," she said


"Yeah, well...," her mother began ransacking the shelving unit, searching for the van keys, "some of us LIKE it quiet."

"Mmmm..." Lisa plucked the keys from the coffee table and dangled them in front of Lynne's face. "Are these what you're looking for?" she grinned.

"Ta!" Lynne snatched the keys from her daughter's hand. "Come on, let's get movin'!"

As Lisa followed Lynne out to the van, it seemed like any other day. But, truth to tell, Lisa still felt quite shaken by the fact that her mother had slept with Alan when she herself was seeing him. Lisa had often felt that she and Lynne were more like sisters than mother and daughter. And sisters shared most things.

But that didn't usually include their fellas.


As the day got underway at Albion Market, Peggy Sagar found that her one pair of hands and Paul at the hotplate were not enough.

It had been busy so far - very busy - and, on top of trade, Peggy had had to put up with Morris Ransome, on a rare visit for an Eccles cake, (Miriam usually fetched and carried the Ransomes' orders from the cafe) - going on about the microwave oven:

"If we were meant to irradiate our food, radiation would be good for us!"

The chairs and tables on the wharf had proved to be an unexpected hit, one bit of good Alan Curtis had done, Peggy reflected grimly, but the small upsurge in custom, boosted by the warm early September sunshine, and Louise's absence - she had taken a week's holiday so that she could get settled in at Mrs Naylor's - had left people waiting for service. It could have been the ideal moment for Carol Broadbent.

"'Hello, Peggy!"

There she stood, at the cafe counter, bold as brass, a hint of purple in her bizarre moussed hairstyle, smiling.

Peggy was startled: "Egg and bacon, twice, Paul!" she yelled, then, coolly: "What are you doin' 'ere, Carol?"

"I'm not after me job back if that's what's worryin' yer!" Carol continued to smile. "No, I thought I'd drop in and look up one or two people, see if there were 'owt goin'... and... well... I'm sorry for what 'appened, Peggy, I really am. I just wanted to see yer... and ask yer somethin'."

"Ask me somethin'?" Peggy's eyes narrowed. "You are after your job back, aren't you?!"

"No, no, Peg - honest!" cried Carol. "I accept your decision. I think you were right..."

Peggy became aware of two waiting customers. "You might as well 'ave a cuppa tea," she told Carol, pouring her one from the big metal teapot. "Sit yerself down. I'll try and pop over in a few minutes."

"Ta, Peg," Carol took the tea and made her way to a table. Peggy served her two customers, and then turned to Paul.

Paul was boggle-eyed: "Er, Peggy, is Carol on the way back in, then?"

"No, she is not!" Peggy snapped. "Now, where's them eggs and bacons? Look lively, for 'eaven's sake!"

Paul looked lively.


Derek Owen stood looking at the market, his market, well, his responsibility at least, and faced facts: things had changed. The wharf had been transformed from a dead area to a bustling riverside walkway with stalls and cafe tables; the hairdressing salon, so often failing in the past, was now emblazioned "Viva", blaring out Alison Moyet, and showing every sign of doing a roaring - and in fact rather upmarket - trade; the Riggs had gone - Larry had been bound to trip up sooner or later, Derek pondered, but he hoped his Curtis-aided departure had not been too brutal; then there was young Lisa - with her two classic clothing stalls... how had that happened? Certainly not by the usual method of accruing points by attendence at the market as a casual... Derek had heard one or two bitchy comments about Lisa's methods, which yet again involved Alan Curtis...

And one or two other stalls had been allocated by methods other than the approved as well.

Curtis had been like a whirlwind. if Derek hadn't returned, Morris and Miriam Ransome's pottery stall would have been history, and it seemed that the cafe could have been looking for a new tenant. The market would have been so different...

As it was, Derek was still uncertain about the salon - Viv Harker had struck him as nice enough, warm and very direct, and he had the feeling she was an astute businesswoman. But a flash salon on Albion Market? Could it survive? He knew that some of the traders were unhappy about it. Miriam didn't like the constant stream of pop music seeping from the place, and from what he'd heard Lynne didn't like Viv at all.

He watched a lady in a barbour jacket with a fresh shaggy perm emerge from the salon. Dead classy she looked. Not the sort to stop around and look at what the market had to offer after she'd had a hairdo...

Suddenly, to Derek's surprise, the woman did stop and began examining a long, vintage evening dress hanging on Lisa's indoor classic clothing stall.

Derek's eyebrows rose in surprise. He saw Chan appear from behind the stall and approach the woman. Derek's heart beat a tad faster.

Chan...

He forced himself to refocus on market business. His mind alighted upon the stalls outside on the wharf, new stalls created by Curtis. All very well in the summer time, but who would want to shop out there in the depths of winter, with the cold, damp wind whipping in from the Irwell? And the stallholders? What would become of them during the cold months if their stalls were only seasonal?

"Penny for 'em, Derek?" It was a smiling Miriam, on her way back from the cafe with a steaming mug of herb tea and another Eccles cake to help sweeten Morris's mood.

Derek sighed. "Just a few problems, Miriam," he said. "Problems waiting to be faced."

"Oh well, if anybody can sort 'em, you can!" said Miriam.

"Er, yeah..."

But Derek wasn't thinking about Viv's hairdresser's or the stalls on the wharf now. He was thinking about Chan...

Chan. Smiling, gentle, kind and wonderful Chan, who was just popping the evening dress into a carrier bag over on the classic clothes stall, whilst the shaggy permed barbour lady swept £25 from her purse.

Chan.

Chan who was like nobody he'd ever met before. Chan who was rapidly becoming one half of his private life, whilst his wife, Barbara, and daughter, Janet, became the other.

He felt split down the middle.

An uncomplicated man, Derek wondered just how he'd got into living a double life. And if he could go on living it.

"I'm sure you can sort out anything, Derek!" Miriam's voice dragged him from his thoughts. She was smiling at him sincerely. After the way he'd sorted out the Alan Curtis affair, Miriam thought he was marvellous.

"Let's hope so, love," Derek managed to smile at her. "Let's hope so!"


Peggy made her way over to the table Carol was sitting at. A warm breeze blew in from the wharf and stirred the "For Sale" notices on the board near the door. Peggy sat down and eyed her ex-employee. "So, what are you doin' 'ere, Carol?"

"I've signed on," Carol said. "There's nowt doin' though. So, I thought I'd come back to the market and see if I could find somethin'. Even somethin' dead part time. Just to bring in a bit of extra money."

"Cash in hand, yer mean?" Peggy looked disapproving.

"Maybe at first," said Carol. "Might 'ave to be. But it'll give me more experience to build on. I reckon I need a reference for findin' something full-time."

"A REFERENCE?!!"" Peggy's eyebrows shot up. "You're not expectin' one from me, are you by any chance?"

Carol looked uncomfortable. "Look, Peggy, I know what I did was wrong, goin' for an interview with Viv behind your back and causing atmospheres with Colette and stuff... but I were always honest, weren't I, in my work? No cash ever went missin' and I worked hard..."

"Most of the time!" said Peggy.

"Yeah, well..." Carol squirmed. "I accept what I did were wrong, Peggy, I really do, and I accept that you sackin' me for it was right. But I was just wonderin' if you might see yer way to not dwellin' too much on me negatives if I put you down as a reference should a job interview come along. I've learnt me lesson, Peggy, honest I have. I just need some 'elp to get started again and prove it."

Peggy looked hard at the girl. There was no denying she looked sincere, and Peggy had been fond of Carol. Truth to tell, still was. It hadn't been easy to give her her marching orders. But Peggy could not allow a member of her staff to pull the wool over her eyes, or to darken the atmosphere in the cafe with her daft moods and likes and dislikes whenever she chose to. True though all that was, Peggy still wanted to see Carol happy in the future.

Still, there was no point in making things too easy, causing the girl to think she could charm her way out of things at will.

Peggy kept her voice stern: "All I can say at the moment, Carol, is I'll think about it. Come back and see me in a couple of days and I'll give you my decision."

No pouting, no suddenly teary eyes, no petulant outburst greeted this. Peggy had half been expecting them, but instead Carol smiled: "Thanks, Peg, I appreciate you even considerin' it. I'll pop in Friday if that's okay?"

"All right then." There were customers at the counter. "I'd better get back. See you Friday." And Peggy left Carol alone with her rapidly cooling mug of tea, hopeful, but uncertain.

Eileen Travis stared out of the taxi window as it took her from the airport to the nice suburban house she had, until recently, shared with her husband, Geoff.

Eileen felt like somebody playing a guest role in her own life. She felt like she didn't exist. Staying with her sister, Beth, and Beth's husband, Charlie, in Canada had seen her playing a guest role in their lives. Both had welcomed her happily, as had their two young sons, but Eileen knew it couldn't last. She knew she would one day have to face up to and try to reclaim her own life. Become a person in her own right again.

To say that things had been difficult was an understatement. Eileen had endured years of failure at trying to become pregnant and various investigations until she felt more like a set of malfunctioning parts than a human being.

At first, she'd wanted a baby as much as Geoff, but after a time she'd just wanted to get on with living. To be Eileen again - or rather one half of Eileen and Geoff.

But her fear was that she alone would never be enough for Geoff. His paternal instinct was so strong. Her experience when they'd visited an adoption agency - "just to make enquiries" - had convinced Eileen of that. Left to his own devices, Geoff would have had their names down on the list before the "enquiry" interview was over. Eileen had had to say no.

Then there was young Louise Todd, who had dumped her newborn baby in the back of Geoff's van last year. Eileen had had to stand by whilst Geoff called the baby "Jenny" after his mother, and then moved Louise and the kid into their house. And how Louise had milked Geoff's obvious desperation to have Jenny around - bedding a man in the house, going off on a long jaunt unannounced...

And whenever Eileen roused Geoff to protest at her behaviour, Louise would resort to blackmail, her attitude basically being: "If I can't do what I want, I'll leave and take Jenny with me and you'll never see us again."

Eileen had felt she was losing her home and her husband, and so had made one last desperate stand: she had announced she was pregnant. So, of course, Louise and Jenny would have to go. But Louise had seen through the ploy and blown the whistle to Geoff.

Finally, feeling completely defeated and with no energy left to continue the fight, and not even sure she wanted to, Eileen had left, skipping off to Beth's house in Canada to give herself some time and space.

The fact that Geoff had followed her had surprised her. But she hadn't wanted his presence. Wasn't ready to see him at all. They'd met several times, going nowhere in their discussions, and finally, in utter frustration, Geoff had basically told her to get stuffed, before he left to return to England.

That forceful reaction had somehow activated something in Eileen. It was so different from his endless wheedling, and Eileen had momentarily felt real again - a human being who could provoke strong emotions in others with her actions and reactions.

Over the weeks since Geoff's return to England, a resolve to return home and carve out some kind of niche for herself - whether as one half of Eileen and Geoff or as Eileen alone - had grown within her and she'd felt a stirring of strength. Her sister had doubted she was making the right move. "You still seem tired. Stay a bit longer. Think a bit."

Her mother back in England, when phoned, had been horrified at the idea of Eileen considering any further contact with Geoff: "He's an insensitive swine!"

"But I'm not sayin' I'm going back to him, Mam!"

"Take my advice - keep well away. File for divorce. Get your half of whatever's yours and find somebody else. It's always been my dream to see my three girls happily settled."

Well, it was now Eileen's dream to see herself happily settled - strange how she'd once thought she was - before the failed baby making and Louise and Jenny had come along - and, whatever happened, she had a lot to sort out with Geoff.

Viv of the Viva Salon.

The sun had warmed the cobbles in the yard at the front of the market. The sky was a lovely blue, and a gentle breeze blew, preventing the day from becoming uncomfortably hot.

Viv Harker picked her way carefully over the cobbles in her pink high heels, heading for The Waterman's Arms, at just after 1pm. Her throat was dry and she'd decided on a pub sandwich and a tall glass of (hopefully) fizzy lemonade for her lunch.

It took her eyes a moment to adjust to the dark, smoky pub interior, but she knew her way to the bar by now anyway.

"What can I get yer?" asked Colette.

Viv placed her order, then, apparently just chatting idly, said: "I hear you've been seen out and about with a member of my staff."

"My goodness, word gets about round 'ere!" Colette grinned. "Guilty, your honour! Me an' Sean went out to a club last week. It was good."

"And do I detect a hint of romance in the offing?" Viv grinned back.

"Far too early to tell," Colette said firmly. "After all that's 'appened recently... no, we're officially 'Just Good Friends'. No denyin' he's good company though - stylish, too!"

"You enjoy yourself, luv, wish I was your age..." Viv's gaze moved round the bar. Now that her eyes had adjusted after the bright sunshine outside, she could see the usual collection of lunchtime drinkers, mainly market traders, chatting, laughing, moaning, drinking - cigarette smoke forming a blue haze in the air. Nu Shooz were declaring "I Can't Wait" on the jukebox, and over in the far corner sat a familiar figure in a very smart leather jacket, crestfallenly staring into what looked like a half of shandy.

Keith Naylor.

"What's up with Keith?" Viv turned back to Colette.

"I dunno... and I'm keepin' well out of it," said Colette. "Got me head bitten off the last time I tried to give him advice."

"He does look down in the dumps though, doesn't he?" Viv picked up her lemonade and plate of two ham sandwiches. "Think I'll just have a quick word!"

"Good luck!" said Colette, with feeling. She'd taken it into her head to inform Keith, in his own best interests, about some of Louise's activities before the wedding, only to be told to keep her nose out in no uncertain terms first by Keith and then by Louise herself.

"Care to save a lady from a lonely luncheon?" Viv smiled down at Keith.

"What?" Keith was startled. Then: "Oh... yeah... come and sit down."

"Thanks!" Viv sat, and took a bite of her sandwich: the bread didn't taste particularly bread-like - in fact it was almost tasteless and had the consistency of cardboard. The ham didn't taste very ham-like - again flavour was absent. Making a pact with herself not to sample The Waterman's food offerings beyond nuts and crisps in future, Viv chewed.

Keith continued to stare into his drink.

Having swallowed and emptied her mouth, Viv spoke: "Come on, Keith - not long back from honeymoon, new wife and ready-made family, I expected to find you happy. Over the moon in fact. What's wrong?"

Keith turned agonised eyes on her: "I think Louise is goin' off me!"

"What?!"

"No, I do, honest! I think she thinks I'm a big wimp, not good enough for 'er!"

Viv sighed. "Keith, luv, far be it from me to lecture, but settling down into a relationship is no bed of roses. There's bound to be bad patches. And you two are still getting to know each other. Why do you think she thinks you're a wimp?"

"Promise you won't laugh?"

"Guide's honour!"

"Well... she was goin' through the bookcase in my... our bedroom... and she came across some of my old annuals - stuff I've just kept as souvenirs, you know..."

"What sort of annuals?"

"Well... there were a couple of Disney ones from when I was little and a Dr Who... couple of Look-In annuals... an' then there were Teddy..."

Viv was wondering whether to risk another bite of her ham sandwich - at least it would stop her tummy rumbling in the salon that afternoon. At the mention of "Teddy", her head jerked up: "Teddy?"

Keith blushed crimson. "Me old teddy bear I had when I were little. I kept him..." Keith's voice trailed off, and Viv knew he was dreaming up an excuse for keepng Teddy. You couldn't tell Viv much about men.

Keith grasped on a reason - untrue but face saving. "I kept him... as a mascot... yeah, he's my mascot. When I knew I'd be sharing my room with Louise, I bunged him down the back of the wardrobe. I thought Louise wouldn't understand, but I couldn't bring myself to chuck him out. He was jammed between the wardrobe and the bedroom wall. But he just sort of slithered out the other night. Louise laughed fit to bust."

The mental image her fertile imagination produced of Teddy "slithering out" from behind the wardrobe was almost enough to set Viv laughing herself. But she was fond of Keith, she had told him they were friends and friends they were, so she took a large bite of sandwich instead. She immediately wished she hadn't as her teeth encountered a large lump of ham gristle. Not wanting to desert Keith in his moment of need, she forced herself to chew and swallow, and said: "No harm in keeping a few bits and bobs from when you were a kid."

"It's not just from when I was a kid," Keith roused himself, now faintly indignant: "She wants me to chuck out me collection of speedway mags as well."

"Quite a lot of men have their own little spot, a shed or somewhere, they can go to," Viv smiled at her memories. "My dad used to love his old allotment shed - it was his own little kingdom. He was a keen gardener, my dad, but he didn't only keep gardening stuff in the shed. There were quite a few of his old souvenirs. Things my mum would've chucked out if they'd been left in the house. Have you got a shed?"

Keith nodded. "But it's got all the gardening stuff in it and our Bernard's bike."

"Your Bernard's bike?" Viv couldn't recall ever hearing of any Bernard.

"Me brother. He emigrated to Australia."

Viv didn't ask why Bernard's bike was still kept in the garden shed if he had emigrated. Instead, she went on: "Well, somewhere else, then? What about the loft?"

Keith sighed: "It's chockablock full of Mum's stuff... sewing machines, party frocks, that sort of thing..."

"Well, a large cupboard or pantry would do at a pinch," said Viv.

"I suppose there's always the old coal 'ole. It's really small, but it's clean and it's got electric lighting since I did it up for Boris."

"Boris?" Viv couldn't help herself.

"Me boa constrictor. I had to get rid of 'im - Mrs Stanley next door said it gave 'er the screaming 'ab dabs just to think of it and she was goin' to get on to the 'ealth people. So Mum said he had to go. He got loose on the market once, you know, ended up in the cafe..."

Viv was confronted by a mental image of a snake ordering a mug of tea and a plate of bubble and squeak from Peggy, but brushed it aside.. "Well then, gather up your souvenirs and your mags and your mascot and store them in the coal hole! You can put a stool or something to sit on in there and nip in whenever you fancy a quiet few minutes. And as for Louise thinking you're a wimp... well, you haven't known each other long, have you?"

Keith shook his head.

"I just think you're very sensitive, Keith - and that doesn't add up to being a wimp. I don't think you're like other men Louise has met - give her time to adjust. Another thing is, the bedroom's about the only place in the house you and Louise have got to yourselves. You might find she's got strong ideas about the things she wants in there, how she wants it decorated. That's just nest building - and it's a positive thing - natural instinct for a young mum. It means that, despite what she says, Louise is happy and settling down."

Keith looked at Viv a trifle doubtfully. So far, Louise had expressed no interest in decor or furnishings for the bedroom or anywhere else. Still, perhaps given time...

"Thanks, Viv. It's really helped talking to you."

"Anytime, Keith, you know that." Viv looked at her sandwiches with dislike. She pushed the plate away. "Now, I'd better swig down this lemonade and get back. And I wouldn't go touching those things masquerading as edible, either." She nodded at the sandwiches. "Not unless you like gnawing on cardboard and gristle!"

No sooner said then done, the glass was drained and Viv was through the door. Keith stared after her admiringly. She was so... so... positive. When she'd first said they were friends, he'd suspected she was joking, some kind of mickey-taking. Now, he was very glad she was around.


Having reached the house, Eileen realised she'd been a fool. She couldn't just go in there, kick her shoes off and make herself a cuppa. Be there when Geoff got home. It would be like something out of a soap opera.

"Hello, Geoffrey. I'm back. But I don't know for how long..."

And besides, just looking at the place filled her with panic. It was hard to believe that the sullen-faced Louise wasn't standing behind those neat net curtains at the window, Jenny clutched in her arms, squaring up to the challenge of Eileen's return.

Geoff has assured her that Louise and Jenny had gone, but it was hard to shake off a sudden feeling of hidden menace.

"Are you gettin' out, love?" asked the taxi driver, who'd already taken her fare and unloaded her suitcases out onto the pavement.

"No, I don't think so..." Eileen was flustered. "Look, can you take me on to the phone box in Pearl Street? I've a quick call to make, and then I'll tell you where to go after that."

The driver shrugged: "Suit yourself love." He got out to put her cases back in the boot.

As they drove the short distance to Pearl Street, Eileen prayed that the phone box there had escaped any recent attention from the neighbourhood vandals and was in working order. She rummaged in her handbag so she could have her address and telephone numbers book all ready.

The interior of the telephone box, when reached, smelt strongly of stale urine. But, for a wonder, the phone was working. Eileen consulted her book and then dialled the superintendent's office at Albion Market.


In the superintendent's office, Derek was deep in conversation with Raju Sharma, chairman of the market traders' committee.

"So, what you are saying, Derek, is that we have to live with the changes made by Alan Curtis?" asked Raju.

"Not exactly," Derek replied. "As far as allocating permanent stalls is concerned, that's back to the original system: casual traders attend, they accrue points, they eventually get a permanent stall. But what Curtis did when he was here in allocating stalls on suspected backhanders or out of personal interest I can't undo. He had a lot of contacts at the Town Hall. A lot of what was happening here wasn't unknown by his cronies there, and if I start demanding explanations and that things be put right, I just stick me neck out and risk getting the push at some point on some trumped-up charge. It's not exactly Dallas at the Town Hall, but it's not Care Bear village, either. I'm not prepared to risk my job, Raju. But what I can say, with all honesty, is that things will be fair from now on."

Raju nodded. He appreciated the way that Derek had stepped in to help purge the market of Alan Curtis, and trusted him to see that things would be fair in future. They always had been in the past. He asked: "And what about the extra stalls on the wharf?"

"Bit of a brain wave of Alan's that, wasn't it?" Derek mused. "But there won't be so many willing to make their way out there to buy in the depths of winter... I envisage that some traders will drop their stalls, others will carry on, but I think the trade out there will only be really profitable from May to September...."

"There was some discussion about Alan Curtis charging Peggy for putting cafe tables and chairs out there," said Raju.

"I've talked that over with Peggy, and I don't think it's fair," replied Derek. "Peggy tells me that a lot of the folk that sit out there would have been sitting in the cafe anyway if they'd had no other option. Her increase in trade is so minimal it wouldn't cover even a small rent increase, and it's not reliable. A cold week knocks it on the head. I think the feature does boost market trade a little in general, and makes the wharf a nicer place, so the chairs and tables will be staying until autumn sets in, and we'll probably do it again next summer."

"Sound fair enough..." Raju consulted his check list: "Lastly, Dermot Thornburgh's underpants..."

The phone rang. Derek picked it up. "Albion Market, superintendent's office, Derek Owen speaking."

The pips ... a call box - not the Jessups starting up again?!!! - but instead a quiet, female voice Derek vaguely recognised: "Hello. I'm sorry to bother you, but it's urgent. I need to speak to Lynne Harrison, please..."


Lisa felt the warm breeze blowing on to the wharf from the river, and stared with pleasure at her outside stall: it was curently a tasteful array of 1930s and 1940s numbers, with a large rack of jewellery, some of it from the same eras, alongside. Lisa had recently made contact with a local crafts workshop, and entered into a deal with them to sell some of the jewellery they produced on her stall. A touch of the more modern and unique to complement the classic outfits.

O'Shea's Classics had first been a hit wth local students, and Lisa had to admit she'd been surprised and sometimes a little distressed to see how some of dear old Amy's 1920s outfits had been given an '80s twist, cut down, or even intentionally torn in places in some cases. The stall - or stalls plural as it was now - continued to attract the attention of the students, but also older ladies, on the lookout for genuine past glories, simply to wear as intended and be appreciated.

Derek Owen had stamped firmly on her selling plastic 1950s jewellery - he branded it too tacky, and definitely more in the "second hand" area - forbidden on the market - than "classic". Lisa had at first protested, but looking at the stall now, she had a feeling he was right...

Around her moved the customers, and one or two traders slipping out onto the wharf for a quick fag. A low murmur of voices surrounded her. But then, suddenly, she heard two far more distinct voices, close at hand:

"Look at her, stood there - Lady Hunkum Dunkum!"

"She's nothin' but a slut. She got those stalls through opening her legs to that Alan Curtis!"

"She never did!"

"Oh, she did right enough. Muriel saw her when Alan gave that Lynne Harrison her own stall. All over 'im she were. 'Just you wait and see what you'll get when I get my own stall!' - that's what she said."

"That's disgustin'!"

"I know. And she stands there looking like butter wouldn't melt, don't she?"

Lisa recognised the voices as belonging to Vera Birtles, from the fag kiosk, and Sally Vickers, who worked on the watch and clock stall. Lisa peeped round the corner of her stall and saw the two women, each enjoying a fag, leaning on the railings. Vera bulged. She was wearing a ghastly cerise blouse and black lycra leggings, ending at the knee, which made her legs look like tree trunks. Sally was thin and scrawny, dressed in old grey cardie and jeans, topped by an horrific short perm which looked rather like a nest of crinkly baby snakes from Lisa's distance.

"I was talkin' to old Ron over on the shoe stall this morning. He says he waited a long, long time for a permanent stall," Vera said bitterly. "Stood out there in the rain with the other casuals. But then he wasn't young and female and happy to do a bit of whorin', was he?"

Lisa walked quickly away towards the bustling market hall, pausing just on the threshold. Her eyes scanned the familiar scene. Geoff Travis threw her a friendly wave, but she thought she detected a few disapproving looks elsewhere, especially from old Mary, in the act of selling some sun cream and warning her customer that Spain was a very dangerous place indeed, and Lil on the records stall, who looked up from examining an A-Ha LP for scratches.

Lisa moved back out onto the wharf, her feeling of pleasure replaced by a distinct rumbling of unease...


Lynne had paused on her way back to her household goods stall from an enjoyable cuppa and bacon buttie at the cafe, for a brief natter with Morris and Miriam Ransome.

Trouble was, getting a word in edgeways.

Morris hadn't slept well and had started the day in one of his testy moods. Now he was in high dudgeon: "I don't care what anybody says, Dermot's underpants have dragged the good name of this market through the mud..."

"Oh, don't keep on, Morris!" sighed Miriam.

"Don't keep on? Don't keep on? Let me ask you, Miriam, if folk like me didn't keep on what would this place be like? I'll tell you..."

Lynne's attention was diverted by Keith Naylor - the formerly "spotty Keith", now almost spot-less, with a fancy new leather jacket and blonde bits in his hair, but looking curiously careworn for a newly-wed - tapping her shoulder. "There's a phone call for you, Lynne - Derek's office. Derek says to hurry 'cos the caller's in a phone box."

Lynne's first thought was ROY! but she immediately dismissed it as absurd. Roy wouldn't be phoning her from a phone box unless he was on the run from prison, and somehow she found that idea highly unlikely. It was just that she'd grown to associate the unexpected with Roy.

And the phone call was unexpected.

Derek and Raju were still in the office when she got there.

"I'll not complain this time because it seems it's some sort of emergency, but don't make a habit of this, Lynne," said Derek. "Come on, Raju, let's go for a stroll round - we can take a look at that slippy bit near the cafe you told me about..." The two men left the office and Lynne plucked up the telephone receiver: "Hello?"

"Lynne?"

"That's me!"

"It's Eileen... Eileen Travis."

"Eileen?!"

"Yeah... listen, Lynne, I'm back and I need some help - somewhere to sleep for a few nights. I hate to ask, but I wonder if I could stop at yours? The settee'd be fine..."

Lynne was taken aback to hear from Eileen. They'd never exactly been best mates. Never enemies, nothing like that, but never close either. The news that Eileen was back in England made Lynne draw in her breath: "Does Geoff know? I mean, I thought you were stayin' in Canada - at least for now..."

"I needed to come back. It's time I sorted my life out. And Geoff doesn't know yet. I just need a couple of days to get my head together before I face him..."

Lynne's mind raced: "Where are you now?"

"In the phone box in Pearl Street... I've got a taxi waitin' "

"Well, obviously you can't come to the market... Listen, get over to Water Street and I'll be outside Woolworth's in five minutes. You can have the house keys, let yourself in, have a bath and a cuppa and there's some cheese in the fridge if you fancy a snack. We'll talk more later, OK?"

"Thanks, Lynne - it's very good of yer."

"You'd do the same for me. Come to think of it, you HAVE done the same for me," said Lynne, referring to a couple of nights last year when she'd stayed with Eileen and Geoff. "Just be outside Woolworth's. I'll get somebody to watch me stall and leap in the van..."

"OK, thanks again..." Eileen hung up.

Lynne put the receiver back on its rest and ran from the office. Briefly she wondered "Am I doing the right thing?" But there was no time to stop and think at the moment. If Lynne had had a motto it would have been: "Act Now, Think Later". Eileen needed help, Eileen was a friend, and Lynne was going to provide it. Any possible complications her actions might cause for her relationship with another of her friends, Eileen's husband, Geoff, didn't cross Lynne's mind.

Within two minutes the van was tearing out of the market yard, almost flattening a stray ginger moggy, sniffing hopefully around a discarded fish and chip wrapper, as it went.

Memories of Oliver Shawcross haunt Jaz...

Peggy had taken advantage of a lull in the cafe's trade at around four o'clock to have a cuppa and a quick sit down. Seeing Lisa hunched over a mug of tea at one of the tables on the wharf, Peggy decided to join her.

"Give us a shout if it gets busy, Paul!" she yelled.

"OK, Peggy," said Paul, who was also making the most of the lull by having a chat with Jaz Sharma.

"You look miles away!" said Peggy, standing by Lisa's table. "Mind if I join you?"

Lisa, startled out of her thoughts, grinned at Peggy. "Feel free!"

Peggy sat down with a sigh of relief and took a big swig from her tea mug. Bliss! Two sugars... beggar the diet!

"You all right?" she asked Lisa, who was looking slightly preoccupied again.

"Yeah, yeah, why shouldn't I be?"

"Well..."

Lisa sighed. Peggy was sharp. It was hard to hide anything from her. "Peggy, have you heard any gossip about me?"

"Gossip? What do you mean gossip?" Peggy was smiling but there was now something guarded about her.

"Gossip about me an' my stalls. Gossip about me and Alan Curtis."

Peggy dropped her gaze to the table top.


"It'd be great if you'd come tonight," Paul was saying inside the cafe.

"I think I need a night off!" Jaz grinned. "Honest, Paul, I'm knackered. It was next to impossible to get up this mornin' "

"Can't stand the pace, eh?" Paul laughed. And then sighed. "I know what you mean. That Sean sure knows how to live, don't he? And fresh as a daisy the next day..."

"Mmm. Don't know how he does it! No, I'll probably stop in tonight..."

Jaz broke off as Paul served Simon Walker a cup of tea. "Good afternoon, lads, lovely one, isn't it?" said Simon pleasantly.

"Yeah, very nice..." Jaz turned uneasily back to his tea and salad roll. Simon retired to a table by the door. Jaz didn't turn to look at him, but he knew that he'd be sat there, ever watchful, eyes never missing a trick.

Simon who had suggested Oliver for the position of chairman of the market traders' committee. Simon who had shaken hands with Jaz after the end of his trial, apparently happy to go along with the jury in its majority verdict. Simon with his chain of stalls across the local markets. Simon with his contacts at the Town Hall...

"What's up, mate?" Paul had caught the change in Jaz's mood, a certain pensiveness that had been completely absent a couple of minutes ago.

"Oh, it's nowt. Just tired that's all," Jaz kept his voice light and carefree.

"Oh, come on!" Paul wasn't as daft as he looked.

Jaz gave in. He lowered his voice and leaned forward closer to Paul: "Well... it's Simon Walker. He gives me the creeps."

Paul laughed: "What? Why? Fancy you does he?"

"Very far from it, and keep your voice down!" said Jaz, almost in a whisper.

"Well, I know he was a bit of a pal of Oliver Shawcross's," Paul recalled. "But he wasn't involved in all that filth, was he? The leaflets and everythin'?"

"I shouldn't be at all surprised," hissed Jaz. "He was the one who suggested to Raju that Oliver stand for chairman of the market traders' after all..."

"And you think he's in on all that fascist stuff?" Paul was now deadly serious.

Jaz nodded: "Thing is, he's a million times cleverer than Oliver was, and makes sure he always comes up smellin' of roses."

"That's a serious accusation, mate," Paul was surprised.

"I know. And I don't like thinkin' like that... but the evidence is strong, Paul. My family faced racist bigots from day one in this country. We learnt to live with it, and for every bigot there seemed to be a few dozen decent people. I suppose I grew to feel safe - well safe-ish, over the years. But I haven't felt safe on this market since our van went up."

"Well, it was the start of a lot of stress," said Paul. "It's bound to take time to get over it, Jaz."

Jaz shook his head; "Every time I see Simon standin' there watchin', cool as a cucumber, eyes so cold they could deep freeze yer, I want to turn and run, give up the stall, leave the market..."

"You don't think he's plannin' somethin' else, do yer?" Paul was suddenly feeling anxious as he clocked those cold eyes of Simon's, apparently just staring into space as he innocently sipped his tea.

"No, no. At least not yet. Probably not for a good long while. Like I said, I think he's miles cleverer than Oliver. I reckon Simon'll bide his time. But in the end..."

A gloomy silence fell. Jaz caught sight of Keith, collecting rent out in the market. Although the Sharma brothers had opted to forgive Keith for his actions against them, accepting that he'd been weak, stupid and easily led, the sight of him at that moment brought back unpleasant memories.

"And it's not only Simon. There are plenty of people on this market who've probably got racist streaks a mile wide, but we'd never suspect them because they hide it so well..."


"Look, whenever I hear gossip like that, I always say, 'Do you mind? That's a friend of mine!' " Peggy was saying out on the wharf. "And there hasn't been a lot goin' round about you, Lisa. Just about the stalls and Alan. It'll blow over - you're flavour of the month this month, that's all."

"Mmm... well, thanks for tellin' me, Peggy," Lisa got up. "I'd better get back I s'pose. She paused, and then decided to unburden herself a little more: "I did 'ave a bit of a fling with Alan yer know, although it were never as cold blooded as 'you give me a stall an' I'll sleep with yer'. But I did say somethin' a bit ripe to 'im when me mam get' 'er stall, right out there in the market, in earshot of all the tittle-tattle merchants, so I suppose I'm reapin' what I sowed!"

"A lot of these gossips are dead disappointed by their own lives, and want to make others unhappy because of it," said Peggy, wisely. "An' there's jealousy mixed up in the brew, too. Sally Vickers and Vera Birtles are never goin' to be twenty again and pretty as a picture." Peggy sighed: "Come to that, neither am I!"

Lisa laughed - "See yer later, Peggy!" - but by the time she reached her stall, she was thoughtful again. She thanked old Ron's assistant, Helen, who had been keeping an eye out for customers, and began to make the first moves towards packing up, taking down the jewellery rack and wrapping each item in protective polythene. As she wrapped, her mind nagged away at her. She'd have a natter with her mam, she decided.

But at the thought of Lynne, the spectre of Alan Curtis rose in front of her, smiling that smile of his...

Lisa decided to confide in Viv Harker - at the earliest possible opportunity.


"Evenin', Morris - finished for the day, 'ave yer?" It was Dermot Thornburgh, grinning cheesily. Morris was drawing the cover around the stall. "What does it look like, Dermot?" he said, rather tersely.

Dermot looked hurt: "No need to snap me head off, just makin' conversation!" He moved off.

"Oh dear! Has our Mr Thornburgh done something to annoy you?" It was Viv, who had just locked up the salon for the night and was on her way home.

"If he thinks I'm makin' polite conversation with 'im after that underpants business, 'e's got another think comin'!" said Morris stiffly.

"Dermot's underpants? Water under the bridge now, I'm sure," said Viv. "Goodnight, Morris!"

"She's right!" It was Miriam. "Let it go, Morris!"

Morris scowled at her. "He did the market's reputation a great deal of damage, Miriam. It's easy to see why he and Larry Rigg got on so well!"

"What is all this about Dermot's underpants?" It was young Debbie Taylor, hanging around in the hope of getting asked out that night by Paul or Jaz.

"Never you mind!" said Morris. "Come on, Miriam - home!" and he stomped off.

"See yer tomorrow, lovey," said Miriam and left Debbie feeling rather puzzled.


In the cafe, Geoff Travis had just finished a plate of sausage, egg and beans and three mugs of hot sweet tea.

"Thank you, Peggy, my love!" he said. "Now I'm ready for off."

"What'll you do tonight?" It was Lynne, who had been chatting to him whilst he ate.

"I dunno. Fancy meetin' up for a drink later?"

"Oh, I can't, not tonight... I'm washin' me 'air and I'm knee deep in ironing,"

For some reason, Geoff thought she looked vaguely uncomfortable. What's she up to now? he wondered. But he knew better than to ask. Lynne didn't take kindly to people poking their noses into her business, even her friends. She'd tell soon enough if she'd a mind to, and she usually did. She wasn't one for keeping things to herself wasn't Lynne.

"Then I'll probably get a video out and buy a few cans," said Geoff. "It's becoming a right batchelor pad, my place. I'll really will 'ave to dust and put the hoover round. Sometime." He got up and Lynne followed suit. They bade good night to Peggy and Paul, who were just giving the counter and tables a last wipe over. Paul looked without enthusiasm at Geoff's dirty plate, cutlery and cup. He moved forward to collect them. "I'm definitely gettin' dish pan hands, Peggy."

"Think yourself lucky," Peggy was in no mood for trivial chat. "There's millions out there in the dole queues that would be glad of 'em!"

Paul sighed and decided that now was not a good moment to ask Peggy about Carol's visit that morning.


"Well, you seem a lot more cheerful, Keith!" said Derek in the superintendent's office. "What's 'appened?"

"Nowt," but Keith was positively radiating happiness.

"Oh, come on," cried undeceived Derek. "You look like you've just been give some wonderful news - grinning like a Cheshire cat! Share it, do. It's been a long, hard day!"

" There's nowt much to share," grinned Keith, " 'cept I must be the luckiest man in Lancashire - perhaps even England... perhaps even the whole wide world!"

"What makes you say that?" Derek smiled, having a fair idea what was coming.

"Louise, of course. I worry. I worry a lot. But when the time gets near to going home... I get really excited at the thought of just seein' 'er!"

"Aye, well, that's chemistry that is!" said Derek wisely.

There was a tap at the office door.

"Come in!" Derek called. Chan popped her head round. "Oh, I'm sorry - I did not mean to interrupt!" she said.

"You're only interruptin' Keith's departure," said Derek. "Go on, lad, get yourself 'ome, enjoy your evening!"

"Thanks, Derek! 'Bye, Chan!" And Keith, who had more than an inkling of what was going on between his boss and Chan, left blushing slightly, but still with a spring in his step.

"Come in!" said Derek to Chan. I've just got to finish lockin' up and then we'll 'ave a nice cup of tea."

Chan smiled at him fondly: "I'd like that."

Derek suddenly found he was grinning like a Cheshire cat...


As Raju drove them home, Jaz asked his brother what he thought of Simon Walker.

"I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him!" said Raju immediately. "He was definitely in cahoots with Oliver. May even have been the driving force at times."

"I was wondering about moving on, " said Jaz. "Startin' afresh at some other market."

"That would be foolish," Raju said firmly. "Wherever we go, we'll find Simons, unfortunately. And now we have our own stall at Albion. I wouldn't want to go back to being a casual, waiting in the rain for the superintendent to allocate stalls every morning, not knowing whether we'll get one."

"Do you think Simon has got something up his sleeve?" asked Jaz."The way he looks, it's so hard to tell what he's thinking."

"Don't think he'll bother us again," said Raju. "I've spoken with Derek, and he's watching like a hawk for any repeat of what happened before - leaflets and suchlike. I think we're as safe as we can be, Jaz."

"Yeah," Jaz agreed. "It's just that after all that's happened... it's not just Simon... it's...," Jaz took a deep breath: "I can still see Oliver floating in the river, Raju. I just have to close my eyes..."

"It's going to take time, Jaz - lots of time," said Raju.

And Jaz knew that to be true. "But I don't think I'm ever gonna be able to live with it," he murmured.

Raju frowned. The words had got lost beneath the sound of the van's engine. "What?"

"Nothing," said Jaz.


"I don't understand why you agreed to it," said Lisa, a bit stroppy, as Lynne told her about Eileen's visit on the way home in the van. "It's not as if you're that close to 'er."

"I know!" said Lynne. "But she needed somewhere, Lisa. I couldn't turn 'er down. After all, she and Geoff put me up a couple of times last year..."

Lisa had been looking forward to a quiet evening, but she saw her mother's point. "Think she'll go back to Geoff?"

"I dunno," Lynne parked the van outside a parade of shops. "Let's get some fish n' chips. Eileen'll probably be knackered and it'll save us messin' about cookin'."

"OK," said Lisa.

"There's one thing though," Lynne looked at her seriously.

"What's that?"

"Not a word to Geoff. He thinks she's still in Canada."

"Oh, Mam!" Lisa was horrified.

"I know, I know!" cried Lynne. "But she needs a couple of days to get herself together before she faces 'im. We can at least give 'er that!"

"I won't find it easy facin' Geoff," said Lisa as they got out of the van. " 'E's been good to us!"

"Well, I'm 'opin' we're bein' good to 'im too," said Lynne as they made their way over to the chippie. "Eileen comin' back might be the best thing that's 'appened to 'im in a long time, an' if she's 'ad time to gather 'er thoughts, things might work out better than ever..."

"I s'pose you're right, just 'ope Geoff sees it that way when he finds out we knew before 'im," Lisa sighed. "God, life's complicated!"

By now they were in the chippie queue, which had spilled out into the street.

"Life's not that bad," Lynne grinned and sniffed the cool evening air, laced with delicious smells wafting from inside the shop: "Just get a lungful of them fish n' chips cookin'... think I'll 'ave mushy peas with mine..."


"It's so good to have this time together," Chan was saying back in the market superintendent's office.

Derek nodded: "Highlight of my day," he replied.

"You don't think it is causing Barbara any anxiety?" Chan looked at him, wide eyed.

Derek marvelled at the genuine concern of this wonderful woman. Chan radiated goodness, kindness, simplicity. There was no malice anywhere in her. She even cared for Barbara.

"No, like I said, she thinks I'm stayin' behind for an hour each night, sortin' out the mess left in the paperwork by Alan Curtis," said Derek. "Only there isn't any mess..."

"I hate you having to lie like that," said Chan. "But it is so good to be together for this time, to talk over the events of the day..."

Derek held her close.


Lynne and Lisa expected to find Eileen flaked out on the settee when they arrived home, but instead they found the telly was on, and the house was full of appetising savoury smells. Eileen was mashing potato in the kitchen. She looked up, smiling shyly: "Hi ya! I thought I'd make us a bit of dinner - steak pie, mash and veg..." she faltered when she saw the fish n' chip wrappers under Lynne's arm.

"Oh, 'eck, Eileen, we thought WE'D treat YOU!" Lynne gaped.

There was an awkward pause. Then Lynne burst out laughing. Lisa followed suit. And then, momentarily perplexed, Eileen found the laughter spreading to her.

"There's one thing, we won't starve tonight!" said Lynne. "Now then, where shall we start?!!"


When Keith put his key in the lock he could already hear baby Jenny crying.

He found her with his mother in the living room.

"Ooh, Keith, take 'er - I think she wants changin' again," said Mrs Naylor, who was sitting in her favourite armchair with Jenny on her lap. "The damp's doin' me knees no good at all!"

Keith took the baby. "Where's Louise?"

"Gone out, not ten minutes since," said Mrs Naylor. "Couple of 'er pals called for 'er. She took 'em upstairs. started blarin' out that so-called music of hers - sounds like a drunken steelworks on overtime to me - an' then popped 'er 'ead in 'ere, said 'See yer later," an' that were it. 'Er pals looked like right little floosies, I can tell you. Skirts up their backsides. Take Jenny upstairs, Keith, I want to watch me Crossroads. 'Eaven knows I 'aven't many pleasures left in life."

Keith took Jenny upstairs. In the bedroom, he found Louise's make-up on the dressing table was in some disarray, as though it had been used in a hurry. The cassette radio was plugged in, cassette still inside - the Hits Of Depeche Mode, '81-'85, if the case lying on the quilt was anything to go by. The dress that Louise had worn that day was carelessly slung beside it.

Where had she gone? How could she go out just as he was due home?

Jenny bawled lustily, and Keith held her close. Her nappy was wet, but he felt powerless to respond for a moment.

He was crying himself.

Snatched moments alone together for Derek and Chan.

Derek and Chan left the superintendent's office at Albion Market together. There was little chance of them being seen. The area was deserted. The back entrance to The Waterman's was hardly ever used after market trading hours. The sound of cheerful chatter and Chris De Burgh singing The Lady In Red on the jukebox could be heard from inside the pub.

Derek unpadlocked the big iron market gates and Chan scuttled through them. Her bus stop was just across the road from the market and her bus was due to leave in five minutes. "Goodnight!" she called softly, and was gone. Derek re-padlocked the gates and got into his car, started the engine and drove away, out onto the main road.

It had been a blissful end to the working day thought Chan as she fumbled in her bag for change for the bus. 

Behind the wheel of his car, Derek was only sorry it had ended. Until tomorrow. 

But neither would have felt so contented had they seen the figure which emerged from the dark shadows outside the Bubbles Disco. The figure had watched them leave the market that night and several nights past. The figure had watched them with intense interest - and mounting anger...

The figure now decided it had seen enough - it was time to take action...

08 April 2012

1982: Emmerdale Farm's 10th Anniversary

The Press Pack logo for the tenth anniversary.

From our sister blog, The Beckindale Bugle:

October 1982 saw a very special anniversary for Emmerdale Farm. The show completed its first decade on-screen, having first been shown as a lunchtime soap on 16 October 1972.

To celebrate, Yorkshire Television screened a special programme - A Decade Down On The Farm, featuring the show's creator, Kevin Laffan, and the remaining original cast members, Sheila Mercier (Annie Sugden), Toke Townley (Sam Pearson), Frazer Hines (Joe Sugden), Frederick Pyne (Matt Skilbeck), Ronald Magill (Amos Brearly) and Arthur Pentelow (Henry Wilks) reflecting on ten years of the programme.

The show was presented by Yorkshire Television presenter Richard Whiteley (who, from November 1982, would become nationally famous as presenter of Channel Four's Countdown).

Kevin Laffan was interviewed by Richard Whiteley at Lindley Farm, then the exterior location for Emmerdale Farm:

Richard: "Kevin, I suppose at the time when it was suggested, everyone just said: 'What's this going to be - just a TV version of The Archers'?"

Kevin: "Yes, they did - but, of course, it isn't - nothing like it."

Richard: "In what way is it different?"

Kevin: "Well, we're not aimed at giving information to farmers to start with. We are simply concerned with showing a family living its life on a farm."

Richard: "And is the idea we should envy this family living on the farm?"

Kevin: "Yes, the idea... when we first talked about the serial, the idea was that we would create a situation where we would have a programme that people living in cities, engaged in the routine business of earning a living, would be able to see the kind of life that they would perhaps want to escape to."

Location filming for episode 759 in 1982.

Filming in Esholt (Beckindale) in 1982 - Pat Merrick (Helen Weir) and her son, Jackie (Ian Sharrock) chat at the bus stop.

Richard interviewed Sheila Mercier, standing at the gate of Lindley farmhouse:

"Now the viewer totally identifies you with living in this house here and leaning on this gate here, looking over the farmyard. It's not your house, but I wonder after ten years do you sometimes think you do live here, and it is your house?"

Sheila: "Yes, very often, I look around - I think 'It's all mine'. Yes, I would like to live here."

Richard: "Would you like to be a farmer's wife?"

Sheila: "In many ways I would, yes. I love the country life and I love animals, and I talk to all the calves when they're little."

Richard: "In the series, you spend all your time in the kitchen, you're always cooking or making cups of tea or washing up. What sort of a life is that?"

Sheila: "Well, I must've made thousands of cups of tea, and goodness knows how many breakfasts, and lunches and suppers. It just seems to go on forever!"

Richard: "And all the family [actors] that sit round the table for these gorgeous meals you make, you regard them all as your family, do you?"

Sheila: "Oh, yes, of course I do. They have become my second family. It's a long time we've been here."

Richard discussed Sam Pearson with Toke Townley:

Richard: "You [Sam] stick up for all the old values in life."

Toke: "That right - that's true, he does."

Richard: "You [Sam] don't particularly like the pace of modern day life?"

Toke: "No. I think particularly he doesn't like the way people go on from his point of view, he was brought up so differently. And he does incline also to dislike the modern machinery up to a point, you know, saying horses always did it better."

Richard interviewed Frederick Pyne (Matt Skilbeck):

Richard: "Now, in the last ten years you've had one or two dramas in your life, you've lost one wife, you've lost your twins, and in fact, in a way, you've lost your second wife, haven't you?" [The role of Dolly Skilbeck was recast in 1980].

Frederick: "Mmm, well I've been very lucky really, I've been married twice but I've had three women!"

Richard: "You're smiling now, but it's quite well known that you don't smile a great deal - you're not a great smiler in the series."

Frederick: "No, well they won't let me, you see, they always make me miserable. I'm supposed to be a dour Dales farmer. I don't think they all go around like that really all the time, but then you don't smile a lot if you lose half your family every other year, do you?"

An extract from Richard Whiteley's interview with Ronald Magill (Amos Brearly):

Richard: "After ten years of playing the landlord of The Woolpack, I suppose you feel like the landlord of The Woolpack, don't you?"

Ronald: "I suppose I do. Funnily enough, I feel a landlord more off-duty than on, because I spend so much of my time with my friends in the Licensed Victuallers' Association and they do accept me as one of them."

Richard: "Would you make a good landlord, do you think, in real life?"

Ronald (smiling): "Oh, I don't think so - it's too much like hard work!"

And so on to the Press Pack...

The cover of the 10th Anniversary Celebration Press Pack showing: Frazer Hines (Joe Sugden since the first episode), Arthur Pentelow (Henry Wilks since the first episode), the Reverend Donald Hinton (Hugh Manning, who debuted in 1977), Frederick Pyne (Matt Skilbeck since episode one), Clive Hornby (Jack Sugden since 1980), Sheila Mercier (Annie Sugden since the first episode), Stan Richards (who debuted as a temporary character called Seth Armstrong in 1978, and became a central character over a period of time, finally becoming a Woolpack regular in 1980), Jane Hutcheson (Sandie Merrick since 1980), Ronald Magill (Amos Brearly since episode one), Toke Townley (Sam Pearson since episode one), Helen Weir (Pat Merrick since 1980), Richard Thorp (Alan Turner since 1982), Jean Rogers (Dolly Skilbeck since 1980) and Ian Sharrock (Jackie Merrick since 1980).

Cheers! Key members of the 1982 Emmerdale Farm cast toast the show's first decade.

Included in the 10th Anniversary Press Pack was a notepad, each page featuring a charming drawing of some of the central Emmerdale Farm characters - Matt, Annie, Henry, Amos, Sam, Joe, Jack, Donald, Dolly and Nell the faithful sheepdog!

From the Press Pack:

Yorkshire Television, together with author Kevin Laffan, created "Emmerdale Farm", the story of the Sugden family and their friends and neighbours in the Yorkshire Dales village of Beckindale.

Says Kevin Laffan: "I was approached by YTV with a simple brief for a three-month serial - 'write 26 episodes about a Yorkshire farm' ".

It was an original and conscious decision to make the series quiet and gentle-paced, reflecting the lifestyle and the seasons of the countryside. There would be emotional stresses and conflicts among the characters but very few watch-next-week, cliff-hanging dramas. The accent was to be firmly on people and their relationships set against the splendid back-drop of some of the most beautiful countryside in England - the Yorkshire Dales...

And an early decision was also taken to record FIFTY per cent of the story on location - unheard of in the history of producing such long-running television series...

Beckindale's "Woolpack", as in any village, is the hub of community life. This is where gossip abounds, listened to with careful interest by landlord and local Hotten Courier correspondent Amos Brearly.

People love a traditional pint and a chinwag - who's doing what, when and why? - but there is little maliciousness in Emmerdale's talk. The folk of Beckindale belong to a now rare community where, though there may be occasional differences, they care about each other.

And they have cared for TEN years.

Making it into the papers - the Sunday Mirror, 10 October, 1982, notes the impending Emmerdale anniversary.

The TV Times honoured the show with a special 10th Anniversary souvenir magazine.

06 April 2012

1982: Carly Simon - Why?


Ah, 1982 - before the yuppies, before the absolutely massive shoulder pads, before the brick-sized (first ever) handheld cell phones, before the Apple Mac and the invention of the World Wide Web...

Here's the very lovely Carly Simon asking "why does your love hurt so much?" Back in 1982, we had a very crude and witty answer to that, but this is not 1982 and
'80s Actual is a family blog so I won't elaborate!

One of my favourite pop songs of the '80s, with a simple but highly enjoyable video showing Carly taking her question to the streets of America, I hope you enjoy the above from YouTube.

Wishing you a happy and peaceful Easter weekend! xxx

04 April 2012

Sweet Memories From The 1980s - Decade Of Turmoil...

The Commodore 64 with its amazing 64K memory, There's A Guy Works Down The Chip Shop Swears He's Elvis, Roland and Mrs McClusky of Grange Hill School, Tucker's Luck, The New Statesman, Freddie Starr Ate My Hamster, Tetris, Desperately Seeking Susan, Live Aid and Inspector Gadget... what do YOU remember?

Chris writes:

I love this blog so much, it almost hurts! So much changed in the 1980s - there was a real social revolution and technology ushered in a new era, inventions like the World Wide Web pointed the way to an even more technological future, but the 1980s weren't only yuppies and Greenham Common Peace Women, Thatcher and Reagan, Chernobyl and Big Bang, the fall of the Berlin Wall, the Commodore 64, the C5 car and Boom and Bust. They were Den and Angie of EastEnders and the CB radio craze and Rubik's Cube and dancing flowers and Adam Ant and whacking great shoulder pads and lycra leggings and No 73 and Wincey Willis and Gilbert the alien and jelly shoes and...

Well, I could go on!

Thank you for '80s Actual. I'm completely hooked. You dig up the most unexpected things alongside those that everybody associates with the decade and I take a great deal of pleasure in reading your latest findings.

I went from ten to twenty in the '80s and I'll never forget those years. They were the best of my life so far, kicking the daylights out of the smug, hypocritical 1990s and early 21st Century and giving me loads to look back on. '80s Actual is, to coin an '80s phrase, simply the best!

Thank you! I'm really chuffed with your e-mail. We're forging ahead here with posts in the pipeline ranging from our continuation of the Albion Market soap (not for the faint hearted!) to an in-depth look at the Ronnie Corbett comedy Sorry! and more on '80s news stories. We never set out to hype or rewrite the decade (as has been the case with a certain other decade!), the '80s provide us with all the material we need without any need for tweaking. So much we weren't aware of at the time, so many memories.

Don't be too hard on the 1990s and early 21st Century though - every era is somebody's favourite and every era has redeeming qualities.

Good to know you're with us!

03 April 2012

Johnny Ball - Maths Made Easy...

My dear sister likes helping this blog by hunting through charity shops for vintage '80s items for me. Here's her latest find - Johnny Ball's Think Box from 1982. Note the Rubikian-looking contraption he is holding in his hand and the Rubik's Cube in the box! Those were the days...

As an aside, note that there is no bar code on the book cover. Isn't it lovely? Bar codes would be arriving in a year or two, and, not knowing what they were for, I regarded them as just plain ugly - so disfiguring to any self respecting book cover!

Back to the main story, and here's the introduction to Think Box:

It's now about four years since the first 'Think of a Number' programme was broadcast on BBC TV and since then there have been several spin-off series: 'Think Again', 'Think Backwards' and our latest effort 'Think This Way'.

Altogether, there have been around fifty programmes, each packed with puzzles and tricks and ideas which, apart from being fun, have also made maths and science that much easier to understand.

Each time a 'Think' programme appears on television the BBC is inundated with letters asking for explanations and solutions and more information. Well, here it is one volume - the full collection of 'Think' tricks and puzzles. I hope you find it interesting and fascinating, but most of all... fun.

Cheers,

Johnny Ball

Johnny is best remembered by me as a children's presenter on the BBC, firstly on Play School and then branching out into his own (several) series which seemed to imply that maths were easy. Having missed loads of school, courtesy of my dire and chaotic childhood, I was never convinced - and anyway snakebites, Sons & Daughters, Stella Artois and dressing Miami Vice style were so much more fun. However, my younger sisters liked Johnny's shows and he was often on-screen when I visited home. Consequently, he has become something of a 1980s icon in my mind.

Johnny's own website reveals that there is more to him than that.

Did you know that, as a comedian in the late 1960s, he appeared on Val Doonican and Harry Secombe telly shows? That he compered ITV's 1967 Christmas Night Spectacular and the first Rolling Stones Tour? Starred in Sadlers Wells Opera? Was a presenter on Playschool for 17 years?

Johnny also wrote
Playaway and adult TV comedy before launching the BBC shows we all remember.

Apart from Playschool, I had no idea!

He's also well-known now for being the father of TV presenter and radio DJ Zoe Ball, wife of Fatboy Slim, Norman Cook, who started out in 1980s band The Housemartins and formed Beats International in 1989.

Anyway, here's Johnny at the beginning of chapter one of Think Box, encouraging readers to have fun with numbers:

A lot of people have the impression that to enjoy a book about number tricks and puzzles, you need to be fairly good at maths. What a load of tosh. (That's a rubbish word for 'rubbish'.) With this book, it doesn't really matter. All the items that follow are easy and should help you to relax and have fun with numbers and number ideas. In fact, the less you know already, the more there is to enjoy in this book - and you might even learn a few things.

I always remember the gloriously daft humour he employed in his '80s series, which is reflected in the book.

How about this as an example:

Chapter 6

Paper, plane and simple

This chapter is supposed to be about simple things you can do with a plain piece of paper. Unfortunately we spelt 'plain' (meaning flat) wrongly at the top of the page. That 'plane' is the flying variety and this chapter is not about that sort of plane.

The trouble is, some of you having read 'Paper, plane and simple' will now be disappointed that there is no plane in this chapter. You may even be near tears... Oh, all right - stop blubbering. Just to keep you happy I'll throw in a design for a paper plane made from plain paper.

Or what about this:

Long ago magicians were called sorcerers, but not because they juggled with saucers. It was because they dabbled in sorcery or magic spells. Today magicians dabble in magic tricks, although they may also perform saucer-juggling or even jug-juggling in addition to their trick-trickery.

LOL!

Now in his seventies, Johnny remains active in the worlds of maths, science and technology. And he's probably STILL trying to make it all seem easy to understand and, for many people, succeeding.

Sheesh.

Personally, I've given up!

02 April 2012

More 1980s TV Ads: "We Hope It's Chips, It's Chips!"

LinkAh, the bliss that was '80s TV adverts! Remember Jenny Logan and the Shake n' Vac ad? (Also remember Jenny answering questions from'80s Actual blog readers on the subject to celebrate the campaign's 30th anniversary in 2010? Look here). And what about the ecstasy and the agony of completing a Rubik's Cube and then discovering...

What about the lovely Beattie (Maureen Lipman) - "An ology?!!" - and dear Su Pollard and the singing donkeys ("Ooo makes a lovely cuppa...")?

Adverts sure stir up memories, especially when they're as memorable as these!

Ah, who could forget this one: "Will it be chips or jacket spuds? Will it be salad or frozen peas?"

Enjoy all the above mentioned and more by the miracle of YouTube below!








30 March 2012

Coronation Street: Percy Sugden


Eee, 1989 - what a year! The Berlin Wall came down, Tim Berners-Lee invented the World Wide Web, the Game Boy was released in America, and in Coronation Street Mrs Phyllis Pearce (Jill Summers) crept up on Mr Percy Sugden (Bill Waddington) in the Rovers Return and said, without any ado:

"Boo!"

Percy (furious): "I wish you wouldn't do that! I'm a coiled spring, y'know! I act very quickly and very aggressively when startled!"

Phyllis: "Ooh, I wish you would!"

Introduced in 1983, the Coronation Street character Percy Sugden took over the role of community centre caretaker in the show, and rapidly proved himself to be a well-meaning pain in the neck. Whilst First World War veteran Albert Tatlock was happy to sit in the Rovers, cadging or perhaps nursing a rum (if he was lucky), Second World War veteran Percy charged around the neighbourhood, "organising" people and events, sticking his nose in left right and centre and generally getting people's backs up.

Percy was actually quite a lonely men, a widower, with only his budgie, Randy, for company. He was delighted when his favourite niece, Elaine Prior, visited him in 1984, but saddened to see her leave again - after her wedding to local man Bill Webster.

Percy did attract one admirer - Phyllis Pearce, she of the foghorn voice - but he would have cheerfully had his toe nails pulled out rather than marry her.

Forced to retire in 1988, Percy was miserable at leaving the Street, and was taken pity on by that fine Christian lady Emily Bishop, who invited him back to lodge with her.

The character of Percy was played with great zest by Bill Waddington.

Percy was always convinced that he was doing right, and acting for the best. His most famous comment was probably: "When you've made gravy under shell fire, you can do anything!"

According to Bill Waddington, some people on the Granada Studios Tour expressed fear that Percy might come out and tell them off whilst going around the outdoor set!

One of my favourite Sugden sagas took place in 1988.


A chance remark by Emily Bishop set the story rolling. Trying to sleep in the front bedroom of No 3, Coronation Street, she was sometimes disturbed by next door neighbour Don Brennan, arriving home in his taxi in the early hours of the morning. The sound of the car engine and the slamming of the car door often drew her from her slumbers.

It was never a good idea to say anything much at all about anything to Percy Sugden, Emily's new lodger at No 3. Especially when it came to problems. But when Emily let slip her night time difficulties in passing, he immediately set out to remedy the situation.

Percy had often noticed that Don's parked taxi overlapped from the space outside his own house into Emily's parking space, and so he immediately painted "NO PARKING" on the pavement, with two lines to mark out No 3's parking space.

On hearing of the problem he was causing, Don was sympathetic, and promised Emily he'd be quieter.

He and Ivy were, however, both annoyed and amused to see Percy's pavement etching, and Don said he'd get his own back...


The next morning, Emily emerged from No 3 to find a gaggle of factory girls outside, all laughing at the pavement! Percy's "NO PARKING" had been crudely altered to "NOSY PARKER". Emily was furious. She hadn't even been aware that Percy had daubed the pavement in the first place. She called him outside. "We've been vandalised!" squawked Percy.

Emily insisted that Percy removed the offensive lettering from her pavement immediately. Percy was, as always, sympathetic - and, in fact, quite outraged on Emily's behalf: "I can understand you being upset. There's no truth in this at all. You're no nosy parker, not in my book - and if anybody ever said you were..."


Emily could hardly believe her ears: "This is not aimed at me, Mr Sugden - it's aimed at you!"


Percy was deeply saddened. This wasn't the first time he'd encountered the bizarre female tendency to delude themselves when it came to any unpleasantness, but still, he'd thought better of Mrs Bishop.

However, he remained gallant: "I wouldn't think so, no, but if that's the way you want to think about it, Mrs Bishop, so be it."

Emily told Percy that she was going to work, that she wanted to see the pavement clean when she returned, and that she wanted no reprisals carried out against Don Brennan or anybody else Percy suspected of committing the deed. She would brook no argument!

As it happened, Don wasn't involved in the pavement daubing exercise. And if Percy had glanced down the street as Mrs Bishop stalked off across the road to Baldwin's factory, he might have gained more than a small clue as to who the miscreant actually was.

As Jack Duckworth later confessed to Gloria Todd, it was him.

He'd nipped out in his "jim jams" early that morning.

It had been too good to resist.





Percy never did catch the culprit.

And he was greatly disappointed to discover the attitude taken by Mavis Riley, apparently Mrs Bishop's best friend, who seemed completely unruffled and deluded regarding this outrageous slur against her.

Like Emily, Mavis told Percy that she believed the "NOSY PARKER" slogan referred to him!

Women!

You wouldn't credit it, would you?

28 March 2012

Readers - Please Note

The article on the personal stereo has now been updated with new material - a magazine advertisement for the Sony Stowaway, the UK's very first personal stereo, from its launch in 1980. The update can be found here - 

http://www.80sactual.com/2006/12/sony-walkman-wired-for-sound.html

27 March 2012

Pat Coombs - You're Only Young Twice, Ragdolly Anna And EastEnders...

Magazine article from April 1981 - don't worry, Pat Coombs didn't usually look like that - she was in character as Cissie Lupin, a character from the TV comedy series "You're Only Young Twice", which she was appearing in at the time.

It saddens me to look back at the 1980s and to remember some of the great actors and actresses who were with us then but are no longer. One such is the comedy actress Pat Coombs, who began the 1980s in the role of the wonderfully loopy Cissie Lupin of the Paradise Lodge Home For Retired Gentlefolk in the Pam Valentine and Michael Ashton-penned TV series You're Only Young Twice. The show had begun in September 1977, and ended in August 1981. Playing opposite the wonderful Peggy Mount as the fiercesome Flora Petty, Pat, as Cissie, was a TV must-watch for me (as was Peggy as Flora!). Happy memories.

In the 1981 series, Paradise Lodge residents continued to experience hilarious traumas - often brought about by Flora's desire to dominate and Cissie's endearing - or at least enduring- dottiness. There was the awful time when Flora and Cissie spent the night in Peabody's Department Store and had to pretend to be mannequins; the unspeakable occasion when Flora sent everybody into a tizz after getting the idea that Cissie was dying of an incurable illness; the dark day when Flora was cursed by a gypsy (played by Gretchen Franklin, pre-EastEnders); and the horrible time when Flora lost her memory. The memory of that was surely enough to get Mildred Fanshaw ferociously inhaling the smelling salts and Dolly Love swigging large amounts straight from the gin bottle for at least the rest of the decade.

With You're Only Young Twice finishing, Pat went on to star as the dressmaker in the young children's series Ragdolly Anna. (remember the theme song "Ragdolly Anna's fine and brown, standing up or sitting down..."?)

The 1980s also saw Pat starring in the Channel 4 sitcom The Lady Is A Tramp with another now sadly departed actress, Patricia Hayes, plus the Alf Garnett saga continuation In Sickness And In Health, Mr Majeika, and a 1985 BBC TV adaptation of Charles Dickens's Bleak House.

In 1989, Pat was reportedly thrilled to be offered the new EastEnders role of down-trodden Marge Green, Walford Brownies' Brown Owl. The character was introduced to bring some comedy to EastEnders, which was reportedly Pat's favourite telly show at the time, so she ended the decade on a very happy note. Unfortunately, 1990 saw Pat and the character of Marge Green being dispatched as the new producer of the time saw no place in the show for a character whose "prime function was to be comic relief". Says it all for EastEnders really.

 1989 - Pat as Marge Green in EastEnders.

Anyway, I wanted to share the contents of an April 1981 magazine article about Pat which I found this morning (pictured at top of post). It provides an interesting snapshot of how Pat was at that time:

Pat plays a good Samaritan

Actress Pat Coombs has been playing a most demanding role... as a Good Samaritan. The 53-year old star of ITV's You're Only Young Twice has been working for the Samaritans, helping people in distress.

In addition, she's helped her own sister, whose marriage broke up.

Actress Peggy Mount, another star of You're Only Young Twice, is in no doubt about Pat's heart of gold.

"She really has been a Good Samaritan," says Peggy. "But I'm sure she would be the last to admit it."

Pat's sister, who had been living in Canada, returned to England with her four children... to be taken in by Pat, who has a small one-bedroom flat in Harrow, Middlesex.

Modestly, Pat takes up the story: "It was difficult for everybody - getting six people into my flat.

"But eventually we were able to sort it all out. Now they live near by, and not actually with me any more."

Pat, who is unmarried, also does charity work for the Samaritans, answering phone calls from people in distress.

"I joined the Samaritans because I had time on my hands, not having a family of my own," said Pat. And since she has "enlisted", she has discovered just how lonely people can be.

"Some of the people you come across are the last people you would expect," said Pat. "Some are in our business."

But Pat's work with the Samaritans is confidential, and she won't discuss incidents or the advice she gives.

Formerly a kindergarten teacher before entering acting, Pat would have loved to have had a family of her own.

"I nearly married," said Pat. "But I suppose it wasn't to be."

Pat, star of other TV series such as Don't Drink The Water, Beggar My Neighbour and Lollipop Loves Mr Mole, loves cooking, reading and motoring.

When she's not helping other people.

They don't make 'em like Pat any more!


25 March 2012

Albion Market - The Story Continues...

Here at '80s Actual, we pride ourselves on the ACTUAL. No hyping of the decade, investing it with things that happened in other decades (which often happens with the 1970s), a serious attempt to reassemble all the things that went to make up the 1980s and present them accurately, spiced with material from the time, my own personal views as someone who was part of the era, and the views of others.

For one of my next posts I'm asking you to let me indulge myself in a bit of fantasy. It has always been my dream to write TV drama, I'm a particular fan of pre-1990s soaps, and the 1980s presents me with a great opportunity to run my own soap on this blog.In August 1986, the Granada Television soap Albion Market ended after exactly one hundred episodes. Having fared badly in the ratings originally, Granada had tweaked the show more than somewhat, injecting a bit of glitz and glamour, a slimy new boss man set to cause endless trouble, and a much more upbeat approach. Unfortunately, the show had been dropped into very un-advantageous time slots in some ITV regions, and the programme was given the chop just as the changes had begun.

The production team gave us viewers an ending - the slimy new boss man was dispatched, and the original honest and kind boss came back. The final episode featured what could only be described as the wedding from hell, and most loose ends were tied up.

Now, let us imagine that, just as the Albion Market cast and crew were wrapping up the show in July 1986, ITV had a change of heart and decided it should continue. Having got rid of their dreadful new boss man character, who simply oozed fascinating story-line possibilities, and brought back Mr Nice to round the show off, the production team would probably have been grunting in frustration, but the show must go on and so they set to work on episode 101...

Albion Market Episode 101 will take us back to the market in 1986 and is my interpretation of what would have happened next. Expect plenty of pop culture references, and remember that mobile phones had just arrived in the UK the year before and were wildly expensive to most people in 1986 - and that the World Wide Web wouldn't even be invented until 1989! Life was very different.

For those not interested - the vast majority of my readers I'm sure - just skip it - normal service will also be continuing, but for those who ARE interested take a look at our original Albion Market post to help familiarise yourself with the location and characters.

Here's a brief "story so far":

Albion Market is a large covered market standing by the River Irwell, somewhere in the Manchester area.

Stall holder Lynne Harrison has slept with ex-market boss Alan Curtis whilst he was seeing her daughter, Lisa O'Shea. Lisa is upset and confused by the situation, Lynne regretful.

Lisa's two classic clothes stalls are doing well.

Market superintendent Derek Owen has resumed his adulterous relationship with Ly Nhu Chan.

Derek's young assistant, Keith Naylor, has married stroppy teen and ex-prostitute Louise Todd and taken on responsibility for her baby, Jenny. How will the couple fare living with Keith's mother, who doesn't get on with Louise?

Jaz Sharma can't get over the death of racist stallholder Oliver Shawcross, for which he was charged for murder. He continues working with brother Raju on the fashion stall.

Barmaid Colette Johnson at the local pub, The Waterman's Arms, has put her relationship with Phil Smith, the father of her child, Gregory, behind her and has been seeing hairdresser Sean.

Flower stall holder Geoff Travis has faced facts - his marriage is at an end. But is it?

At the cafe, Peggy Sagar continues to run the business, with chef Paul and waitress Louise - Keith's wife. Former waitress Carol Broadbent, sacked from her post, is fast receding from Peggy's mind. But has the market seen the last of Carol?

Hairdresser Viv Harker has made her mark on the market with her posh hairdressing salon, Viva. She's fallen out with Lynne, and befriended Keith and Lynne's daughter, Lisa. She has also taken on staff - temperamental Sean and trainee Debbie. Will her business succeed?

Albion Market, Episode 101, coming soon...

The 1980s And Revivals...

Carrying the 1970s love of the 1950s into the 1980s, Mr Shakin' Stevens! The TV Times article featured above dates from 1979.

Kelly asks:

We seem to have nothing but revivals of recent decades now. I know the 1970s revived Rockabilly, the 1950s later on the 1960s, and had many other influences, but what about the 1980s?

When it came to revivals of then recent decades, Kelly, the 1980s continued the love affair with the 1950s which I believe began towards the end of the 1960s, and the 1960s popped in and out. A half-hearted and very tongue-in-cheek '70s revival kicked in circa 1988, but it lacked the fervour and hype of the 1990s/2000s version and was rather droll. It was so half-hearted, I wasn't even aware of it at the time.

In 1989, the revivals scene seemed to be turning back to the 1960s again with Tears For Tears
Sowing The Seeds of Love and the Stone Roses blasting onto the scene with their '60s-influenced first album. I'll be featuring some material on what was nostalgic and what was revived in the '80s soon.

1985: No Honorary Degree For Margaret Thatcher...

A 1980s signed Maggie pic. In 1985, Mrs T was in her second term as Prime Minister, having won the 1983 General Election with a landslide.

Profs Say No to an honour for Maggie

From the Sun, 30/1/1985

Top academics at Oxford University yesterday voted against awarding Premier Margaret Thatcher an honorary degree.

The dons voted by 733 to 319 not to grant the traditional acolade to their most famous "old girl" as a protest against education cuts.

It is the first time since the Second World War that an Oxford-educated Prime Minister has been denied the distinction of an honorary degree in civil law.

Following the controversial vote by Oxford's "parliament" of professors, a Downing Street spokesman announced briefly:

"If they do not wish to confer the honour, she is the last person to wish to receive it."

Mrs Thatcher won a degree in chemistry at Oxford's Somerville College.

The only other person to have been refused the extra award was former Pakistani President Ali Bhutto - vetoed because of involvement in massacres.

Last night Tory MP Harry Greenway branded Mrs Thatcher's snub as the "grossest discourtesy."

1982: Shop Into Boots - Deodorants For Men

A lovely array of deodorants for men - an advertisement for Boots, May, 1982. Included are Pagan Man, Tabac, Turbo, Brut 33 and Denim. A little later, my own favourite was Mandate.